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The Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle by Blackbird Crow Raven
Alternative History
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In 'The Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle' (book II of a trilogy, and the first one recorded), Warble Poundcake McGorkle and his entourage (wife, employees, a sales team, and a canine) travel back in time to revise history.
Their meddling in events during American Revolutionary War Times, at Custer's Last Stand, the Alamo, Woodstock, and many other pivotal events--as well as a detour to 1st Century Jerusalem to kidnap Jesus (or Judas)--leads to catastrophic consequences for those living in modern times.
Among the things Warble and his gang perpetrate are:
1. Banishing George Washington to England for inventing the peanut (and thus being responsible for 'Peanut Envy')
2. 'Helping out' at the Alamo, so that it's the Mexicans who ultimately get 'saddled' with Texas
3. Originating Pre-emptive Strikes (umpires calling strikes before the ball is thrown)
4. Changing song lyrics at Woodstock to influence the politics and modify the personalities of the concert-goers
These are just a few of the outrageous shenanigans that culminate in a climactic scene as the protagonists return to the present and see what their changes have wrought.
This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-No Derivatives 3.0 United States License.
Audio Quality: 
Out of 18 ratings
Narration Quality:
Out of 18 ratings
Writing Quality:
Out of 18 ratings
Overall Rating: 
Out of 18 ratings
By: John Arbuthnot
Given my interest in time travel, this was one of the first titles I selected for consideration as a cabbage. You might read the full review at the Podiobooks Community. In summary, I awarded it two out of five possible cabbages. The title is not terrible in toto but requires significant intervention.stop leaving horrible, irrelevant comments.
if you can indicate rationally how my comment was irrelevant, please do.the audio is not that important
if true, please don't tell those many podiobook producers who obviously believe otherwise.You?ve got some serious problems.
competence and perspicacity apparently being chief among them.By: Kathryn
Charley, you neurotic freak, shut up and stop leaving horrible, irrelevant comments. Newsflash: the audio is not that important- Gasp! Yeah, dude, to normal people, who aren't techie nerds, as long as the story is audible and not painful, who gives a crap? Get over it. This is a book- the most important thing is the tale, and even then, it's freakin' free, so if you find something you don't like, turn it off. You haven't lost anything. Get some help man. You've got some serious problems. This book is funny- that part with the childish Mexicans was great.
Chapters
| Title | Description | Date Created |
| Frontispiece and Preface (4.9 MB) | The Frontispiece divulges the plot in very general terms, introduces the cast of characters, and warns the readers in Twainesque fashion. The Preface introduces the readership/hearers to the main protagonist and his qwirks, with an oblique allusion to the Introduction to Mark Twain's "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 0 (1.01 MB) | Warble McGorkle's current situation is detailed: He is rich, bored, and in search of adventure and fame. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 1 (1.58 MB) | Warble decides to downsize his stable of automobiles from thirty to seven, fire one of his mechanics, and become a philanthropist. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 2 (2.02 MB) | Warble informs his wife of his intent to go back in time to accelerate globalization, make many "nuisance" animals extinct, and create a master race based on himself. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 3 (4.25 MB) | Salesman Comfy Stolen and mechanic Albert Joad arrive at the McGorkle household, in an attempt to interest Warble in a prototype of the Arodnap, a time-travel vehicle patterned after George Jetson's aircraft. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 4 (3.23 MB) | The Arodnap's appearance and features are described. It can travel through time and space, and has VTOL capabilities. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 5 (3.12 MB) | More on the Arodnap's features, including the MC/D (Material Compressor/Decompressor). Also, Comfy and Albert tell Warble that the only place the prototype Arodnap can safely go at present is to the Ed Sullivan Show, 1956, to see Elvis Presley make his television debut. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 6 (0.84 MB) | Warble's wife Mary is introduced, and an odd recommendation is made to readers unfamiliar with American culture. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 7 (2.73 MB) | Warble calls his employees and orders them to report to him at the McGorkle mansion immediately. Mary tries to get out of it, but Warble also forces her to go along on the little joy ride he has planned. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 8 (3.73 MB) | Warble's employees arrive and are introduced (more formally than in the Frontispiece). Warble explains the advantages of using French lingo whenever possible, and then tricks Comfy and Albert, "kidnapping" them and commandeers the Arodnap. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 9 (2.18 MB) | While piloting his captive "audience" to Cooperstown, New York, 1992, Warble tells them a mixed-up tale of Little Miss Muffett, Jimmy Buffett, and W. Somersault Milkshake (W. Somerset Maughan). | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 10 (3.07 MB) | Warble explains to his employees why they must change the rules of baseball and introduce Preemptive Strikes (where the Umpire calls Strikes before the ball is even thrown). | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 11 (2.38 MB) | Warble sings his own idiosyncratic ("idiot-synchronized"?) version of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" and explains the historical significance of Atlanta Braves fans doing "The Wave" | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 12 (1.23 MB) | We learn more about the Arodnap, specifically its After Burner Switch and its speed (Mach Pi, which is explained in great detail by the Arodnap mechanic, Albert Joad). | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 13 (1.21 MB) | On arrival in Cooperstown, it is found that, indeed, the Arodnap prototype is not quite ready for "prime time" yet: Albert's puppy Taterskin has changed into a full-grown Labrador Retriever. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 14 (1.47 MB) | After bribing the rulesmakers to institute his Preemptive Strike Rule in baseball, Warble turns his attention to the next item on his agenda: Preventing Rachel Carson (who he thinks is Johnny's daughter) from writing "Silent Spring." | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 15 (1.93 MB) | On arriving in Silver Spring, Maryland, Warble assigns each of his employees (and Comfy and Albert, too) to fan out and buy all the birds they can from every pet store in town--he wants to inundate Rachel Carson's neighborhood, and more particularly her back yard, with so many birds she won't THINK of writing "Silent Spring." | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 16 (3 MB) | Warble returns from his trip to the exotic pet store with an additional animal--a Helephino, which is part Hyena, part Elephant, and part Rhino. He also tells his entourage a wacky tale about the elephants of the American Plains. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 17 (2.02 MB) | Warble shrinks the Helphino with the MC/D (Material Compressor/Decompressor) and places it in the Arodnap's trunk. He then informs his traveling companions that they must now go back to 1776 to evict a traitor (George Washington!) from the country. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 18 (2.53 MB) | Warble contends that George Washington invented the peanut, which brought on all sorts of problems, such as "Peanut Envy." He also explains what the "Wide man's burden" is. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 19 (2.8 MB) | Warble tells of the Great Peanut Wars of Old Europe, and how George Washington's inventing the peanut caused all the Elephants of the American Plains to starve, once humans acquired a taste for them (peanuts, not elephants). | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 20 (1.77 MB) | Warble explains how we would all have PPAs (Personal Pachyderm Assistants) if not for George Washington, and how grand life would have been had we all had one. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 21 (3.77 MB) | Warble recounts all the tragedies of history that can be laid at the feet of George Washington because of people forgetting things (because they didn't have an elephant assistant to remind them). Among other things (according to Warble), the Spanish-American War and The Great War/World War I could have been avoided. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 22 (0.78 MB) | Warble tracks down George Washington, yanks off his wig, saws a piece of one of his wooden teeth off, and sends him back to England on a pea-green ship bound for Newcastle filled with coal. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 23 (3.64 MB) | Warble and his gang travel to 1836 Texas - -to the Alamo, and meet Davy Crockett, William Travis, and Jim Bridger. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 24 (1.69 MB) | We meet several other interesting characters at the Alamo, such as Tanglefoot Popskull, Flapjack Wormcastle, Zanzibar Ricochet, and Willie Nelson Miles Standish. Warble presses them into service cooking chili and frying donuts -- to be used as ammo against the marauding Mexican hordes. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 25 (2.78 MB) | The Mexicans attack, and the Texicans fire on them with pungent chili. Warble experiences a "wardrobe malfunction" as the heel of his boot is blown off by a Mexican teeny-meeny ball (Mexico's answer to the minie ball) while he is dancing a jig while atop one of the chili-shooting cannons. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 26 (0.97 MB) | Bowled over by Texas-sized donuts raining from the sky, the Mexicans retreat, calling on their band, the Tijuana Brass, to play "Spanish Flea" as they go. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 27 (2.79 MB) | The victorious Texicans celebrate their victory with a party, where they drink Texas tea and dance the Texas two-step. Ward Robespierre, who had fallen off the Alamo, is found by Warble sleeping at the foot of the wall, his fall having been broken by some of the Texican's spent ammo (congealed chili and a humongous semi-soft donut). | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 28 (1.41 MB) | Warble sets things up so that it will be easy for the Mexicans to win at San Jacinto, and thus get "saddled" with Texas – he has "his" man build a bridge, supply stacks of "carte blanche" green cards, and posts signs pointing the way to San Jacinto with cheery, welcoming messages. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 29 (3.27 MB) | Warble informs his people that their next stop in history will be 1976, where they must put a stop to the "yellowing of America" caused by Tony, Orlando, and Don (Conigliaro, Cepeda, and Mattingly) when they performed "Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Old Fig-Mulberry Tree." | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 30 (2.42 MB) | Warble and the gang spot Tony, Orlando, and Don golfing in Philadelphia, and Warble devises a plan to kidnap and shrink them using the MC/D (Material Compressor/Decompressor). | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 31 (2.15 MB) | Warble has Tony, Orlando, and Don shrunk with the MC/D and stores them in a Coricidrin bottle until they get to their "hideout," a rented mini-storage unit. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 32 (1.83 MB) | Warble has his security expert, Marianne Trieste-Trench, "soften up" the kidnapped trio by a form of torture: reading to them the entire Constitution (including the Preamble and "Postamble"), the Gettysburg Address, the Enron Corporation Bylaws, and the Mini-Storage Unit rental agreement. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 33 (3.85 MB) | Reversing his tactics, Warble feeds the captured trio their choice of "Ice" (Italian Ice). He expounds on the origin on the Italian Ice Age, Italian Sauce Age, etc., before coming up with another idea for torturing Tony, Orlando, and Don: Dying their hair in various unstylish hues. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 34 (1.54 MB) | Warble follows through with his diabolical plan to embarrass the erstwhile athletes by proclaiming: "It's a Good Day to Dye!" and then dying their follicles in colors and patterns not even Dennis Rodman would approve of. The pitiable trio all suffer permanent but differing ill effects from the treatment. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 35 (0.71 MB) | After basking in the glow of saving the world from the enervating effect of the color yellow, Warble plans his next bit of mischief and decides on going to the Gilbert Islands in Kiribati in 1492. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 36 (2.26 MB) | Warble informs his crew that their new location on the Gilbert Islands is where the Internation Date Line originates, and determines to replace it with the International Fig Line -- claiming that the line of Date trees emanating from there will turn everyone into "A-rabs." | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 37 (3.51 MB) | Warble relates how beneficial his planned International Fig Line will be, allowing people to walk all the way around the world naked. He explains how they will dispose of the dates from the ripped-out date palms: throw them into the Saar Chasm, which he claims is a giant crevasse in Germany, much larger than the Grand Canyon. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 38 (0.58 MB) | A "team building exercise" is initiated by Warble - -a date fight. Jacques, being an athlete and adept at throwing things accurately, wins, but Warble gives him an ultimatum: Admit that Warble actually won, or take a cut in pay. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 39 (2.17 MB) | Warble marches his crew back to the Arodnap, "Marine style," having them "sound off" while following him. By means of an off-the-cuff tone-poem, Warble lets them know where they are heading next: 1876 Montana (Custer's Last Stand). | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 40 (3.38 MB) | Warble crash-lands on the banks of the Greasy Grass River, and an argument ensues. Once Warble quells the near-mutiny, he tells his version of what happened with Sitting Bull, George "Strongarm" Custer, and "Mad Cow" (Crazy Horse). | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 41 (0.9 MB) | Warble continues with his version of what happened at Custer's Last Stand, including Dustin Hoffman and Regis Philbin in the tale. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 42 (2 MB) | Warble decides to take on the person he considers to be the most dangerous to the United States and its way of life: Keith McHenry, the founder of "Food Not Bombs" | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 43 (3.93 MB) | Warble pictures himself immortalized on Mount Rushmore -- whether that means that "one of the other geezers" will have to come down, or "they have to add on to the mountain." He tells more "stretchers" and outright lies about Keith McHenry. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 44 (1.96 MB) | Warble and his gang go to Boston, Massachusetts, 1980 to put a stop to Keith "McHank" and "Food Not Bombs." He decides to criminalize the giving away of food, unless the parties first pay $3.14 billions to do so. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 45 (1.52 MB) | Warble boasts about his accomplishments so far, and then decides to create one world currency (the dollar). Albert Joad's dog Taterskin prances around the group, and both Warble and Albert are wrong about why the dog seems so energized and happy. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 46 (4.7 MB) | Selecting Minnie Pearl as his model, Warble tells his troupe that he intends to give everything in the world a price tag: both animate and inanimate things, regardless of whether they are sunrises, sunsets, Haiku poetry, fish-finders, or anything else. When Warble price tags his owner Albert, though, Taterskin tackles Warble and a knock-down, drag-out fight ensues. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 47 (0.89 MB) | Warble threatens to fire Albert. Albert reminds Warble that he does not work for him. Nevertheless, the threats continue, to both Albert and his dog. Then, Warble drifts into sleep. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 48 (3.61 MB) | Warble has a nightmare, wherein he and his wife Mary are back home (in their accustomed time and space/area), and they are destitute. Even worse, Mary is about to be murdered by some "euthenizing sportsmen" engaged in a government-sponsored scientific test in human ethics. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 49 (1.91 MB) | At the point of the nightmare where Mary is about to be executed, Warble is awakened by a bucketfull of cold water (his entourage had seen the need for such by his frenzied flailing about and high-pitched wailing). He immediately forgets the nightmare and berates his comrades for his rude awakening. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 50 (3.13 MB) | In a rare moment of magnanimity, Warble congratulates Jacques LaRue, his personal fitness trainer, for bringing to mind thoughts of water -- which gives him the idea to "arrest" all the water and retain it for the sole use of his fellow consumers (Americans). | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 51 (4.78 MB) | Arriving in St. Louis, Missouri, in 1913, at the confluence of the Missouri and Mississippi Rivers, Warble delineates his plan to impound all the waters in the country for the benefit of himself and the other citizens of what he says will henceforth be called the "Dam Nation." | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 52 (4.29 MB) | After hiring Mexicans (from whom he wants to keep "his" water) to do the actual work on the dam projects, Warble schleps his companions along on a trip to Plymouth, Massachusetts, to convince the "founding fathers and mothers" to allow just one religion in the land. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 53 (1.7 MB) | For their only trip outside the United States, and the one furthest back in time, Warble and his crew go to Jerusalem, 29 C.E./A.D. Warble's plan? To kidnap Jesus, and bring him forward in time to run for President of the United States. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 54 (2.45 MB) | For once, Warble's traveling companions put their foot down and will not allow him to kidnap Jesus. After sulking for awhile, Warble decides to "follow tradition and settle for an imposter" – namely Judas. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 55 (2.26 MB) | Judas readily agrees to accompany our band of misfits back to the 21st Century (Warble promises him swimming pools, movie starlets, and mansions – all of which he has to describe to Judas, who has never heard of any of them). Warble instructs Judas in the nuances of politics, such as the need for a college education, preferably "a B.S. in b.s." | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 56 (3.91 MB) | Warble takes his employees, wife, and Arodnap salesman and mechanic along to Woodstock in 1969. Warble waxes poetic about violence, propoganda, and "superliminal" messages. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 57 (3.01 MB) | Warble talks about Polled Herefords (who determined the course of commerce) and goes into a related Rumsfield-esque explanation about donuts. Warble then gets the musicians to play "hawkish" music, encouraging all to give up the peace movement and join the military. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 58 (0.64 MB) | The end results of Warble's fooling around at Woodstock are summarized, and he then reluctantly agrees to return to the group's point of departure: Oconomowoc, Wisconsin, in 2009. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 59 (3.16 MB) | Warble and his troupe arrive back home, only to see that the world has changed drastically. Warble sees no problem, but his wife is devastated on seeing the way the environment has suffered from Warble's meddlings. Then, a pair of police officers approach to arrest Warble for "CAH/CAU" (Crimes Against Humanity/Crimes Against the Universe). | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter 60 (3.15 MB) | After Warble is handcuffed, he sends Mary a "Morse code message" (by winking with his eyes), and she dashes to the Arodnap to "undo" all the mischief they have perpetrated, in order to get Warble out of his fix. After successfully "turning back the clock," though, she is the only one who remembers their misadventures. | Feb 11, 2007 |
| Chapter the Last (61) (1.68 MB) | Comfy Stolen, Arodnap salesman, prevents Mary from destroying the Arodnap. Leaving the way open for a sequel (the third installment of the "Warble McGorkle trilogy"), Mary persuades Warble to this time go forward, not backward, in time. | Feb 11, 2007 |